Complicated
by Chelsea1
Summary: Post "Him", Willow befriends Spike in an effort to help him, only to learn that help is often a two way street.


Complicated

Author: Chelsea

Disclaimer: Characters belong to those who own the rights to Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Rating: PG

Summary: Post "Him", Willow befriends Spike in an effort to help him not realizing that help is often a two way street.

Spoiler: Everything up to Season 7, "Him", AU after that.

Note: A big thank you to my beta, Anna, couldn't have finished this without you.

Feedback: Always appreciated

"Why are we here if you don't want any coffee?" Willow asked a bit exasperatedly as she sat down with her cup of caffeine. She didn't really want to come out tonight, but the slayer had begged and threatened until the redhead had agreed -- just to shut her up. 

"I just thought we would hang out here for a while, do a little girl talk." Buffy smiled, her eyes flicked toward the door. "It's not like you have any other plans."

"I was hoping to get my laundry done tonight." Willow shrugged.

"Well, you need to get out more than you need to do laundry." Again, the slayer turned her head slightly toward the door.

Willow followed her gaze and frowned, "Are you waiting for someone?"

"Huh?" The blonde turned around sharply, "No, of course not."

"Then why do you keep looking at the door?" Willow asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"It's because…okay, don't be mad, Will, but I sort of invited someone to join us."

"And who might that be?" The red head asked suspiciously.

"Just someone I met." Buffy sighed, "She's like you…."

"Like me?" Willow almost choked, her smile quickly disappeared. "In what way is she like me?"

"She, well, she likes girls." Buffy grabbed the red head as she tried to stand; "I didn't mean it like that, Wills. It's just, well, you need to move on. Tara is gone, and I'm really sorry, but you have to get on with your life."

"I thought we have already talked about this."

"I know, but Willow, you never go anywhere. Apart from school and homework, the only thing that seems to interest you is…laundry. Not that hygiene isn't important, but you need more than just clean clothes in life. I don't want to see you alone and unhappy."

"Have you ever considered that maybe I just need to be by myself for a while? Tara is dead and her body might be buried in the ground, but I haven't buried her yet, Buffy, not in here." The red head tapped her heart, "Her spirit surrounds me. She's still very much inside of me." 

"Listen Wills, I understand how you feel, and I'm not asking you to forget her. But Tara has been dead for more than six months, you haven't even been on a date."

"I've spend the first of those three months dealing with my own magical dependency problems, Buffy. I was whisked away across the Atlantic to the Betty Ford Center for magicholics before I even had a chance to say goodbye. I haven't even properly grieved for her, and you are asking me to move on?"

"I'm asking you to take back your life. I know you loved her, Wills. I'm not asking you to just forget her. She will always have a place inside your heart, but you need to…find closure and move forward. Believe me, Willow, life is full of heartaches, disappointments, and regrets, but the only way to survive is to move past them. Believe me, I know how it feels to loose someone who was…everything to you. But I've also learned that the only way for a person to have a future is to let go of the past. I know how important Tara was to you, Wills, but she can't be a part of your future, not anymore."

"She was my heart, Buffy. She owned it. For three years, she was my life. I am not ready. Right now, I just can't. I can't stop thinking about her; I can't stop loving her. I can't. Everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of her. It hurts, it hurts so much. I think about her all the time, you know? Yes, she is dead, but she will always be alive in here." Again, Willow tapped her heart, "I need time, I'll deal with the future when I can handle it, right now, my future is part of my past. Don't push me on this."

"Time doesn't stop, it doesn't even slow down just because you are hurting, Will. I just don't want you to wake up one day and realize what you have missed. I don't want you to have regrets about missed opportunities. And I know for a fact that you are lonely. I miss seeing your smile, Wills. I just want you to be happy." The slayer pleaded.

"And I am. In my own way I am. Sometimes it is okay to be alone, Buffy." Willow said sadly and stood up, "I don't think I want any more coffee tonight. I'm going home."

Buffy jumped up quickly, blocking her exit, "Will, you know I won't do anything to hurt you, just give it a chance. You need someone to confide in, Willow."

"I thought I had you and Xander for that."

"Xander and I love you, Willow. But we are not enough. Do you think I can't see the emptiness in your eyes? You've lost your sparkle, Wills. I was like that too when Ang…"

Willow put up a hand and cut her off, "Why don't you give me a chance to deal in my own way?" 

"Willow, I didn't mean to…"  
  
"I know. I know you want what is best for me, but you can't decide what is best for me. I'm the only one who knows what is best for me. Right now, what is best for me is not about finding someone else to make me forget. I'm more in need of a friend who will listen to me and stand by my decisions whether she agrees with them or not." Willow spoke gently as she walked around the slayer, preparing to leave. "I'll see you at home."

~~~~~~~~~~

"You have no idea how horrible it has been the last couple of weeks. " Willow sighed, "I thought she understood after that incident at the coffee house, but she just refuses to listen. It's her way or no way. I'm not one of her kids, I think she's letting this whole counseling thing gets to her head."

"Buffy is just worried about you, Wills," Xander said gently, "and frankly, so am I. It's the first of the Ten Commandments of friendship; Thou shall have the right to worry."

Willow smiled, "I know she is, but she isn't me. She doesn't feel what I feel. I am fine. Why can't you guys just believe that I am just fine on my own? You know what the second commandment is? Thou shall trust in thy friends." 

Xander just stared at her wordlessly, and Willow continued softly, "really. I've gone through so many highs and lows last year, I just need the time to appreciate who I really am. Somewhere along the way, I became totally lost; I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, what I was destined, what I could have done to help myself. There were times when I didn't even know whether I was real or not. My most important task right now is to find myself, not another…partner."

Xander gave her an understanding smile, "Just promise me that you won't shut yourself off from the rest of the human race. That you won't run away from any…possibility of happiness." He grabbed her hand and continued, "I know I am the last person who has the right to offer anyone any advise on…well…anything, but…sometimes the hurting that you think will never go away will go away when you have something else to look forward to. Remember how hurt you were when Oz left? Then along came Tara, and she made you feel better and eventually you left that chapter of your life behind and learned to love again. It will happen again, Wills, as long as you don't shut yourself off to everyone else. Your soul mate is still out there waiting."

"I won't. I admit I'm not searching, but I promise if I find my soul mate standing in front of me, I won't run away. "

"That's all I am asking for."

"Thanks, Xander, now if you can get Buffy to understand that, I would be forever in your debt."

"She is a bit of a control freak, probably a side effect from being the slayer. Is that why you are hiding out here?" Xander asked sympathetically.

"Yeah, she invited another one of her friends over, so I told her I made plans with you." The red head shot her best friend a sheepish grin, "you don't mind that I hang out here on occasion, do you?"

"You know Wills, I love you to death and all, and normally I would love to for us to hang out and do things, but I eh…kinda have a date tonight." Xander said uncomfortably. "Actually I'm seeing Anya again. She has finally agreed to talk to me, I don't want to blow it again."

"Xander, of course you have to go. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude. I…eh…I'll just…go."

"Wills, I didn't mean it like that. I don't want you running around out there."

"No, don't worry, I can just go to the movies or something." Willow stood and grabbed her jacket.

"No, you don't have to go, Wills. I'm going out, but you are welcome to stay and make yourself at home, watch TV, whatever." Xander took her jacket and tossed it back onto the chair.

"It's okay, Xan…"

"Stay! Mi casa es su casa."

"Are you sure?" The red head asked uncertainly. She didn't really want to stay by herself, but she had no where else to go. 

"Yep, you know where everything is. Stay as long as you want and just make sure the door is locked when you leave."

"Thanks, Xander." The red head smiled gratefully. "Hey, Xan, I'm really glad you are working things out with Anya. She's a good person." She continued when Xander gave her a half-sarcastic look, "Okay, so it took a while and her...unique personality is a bit overwhelming, but I've learned to appreciate her. Really."

Xander nodded, hugged her, picked up his keys and left.

Willow stared at the closed door for a moment before going into the kitchen and plugging in the coffee machine. Ten minutes later, she came back into the living room, setting the mug and a pack of chips on the coffee table; she shrugged and picked up the remote control. She was scanning through channels when she heard the door opened. "What did you forget, Xan…" She turned around and stopped. "Hey, Spike."

"Red." Spike stood at the door and stared at her for a moment before shutting the door and walking into the room. "Where's Harris?"

"He's out." Willow said uncomfortably and powered off the TV, "I…eh…I was just leaving." ~ _Damn, how could I have forgotten that he is living here now? Why the heck didn't Xander remind me? ~_

Spike eyed the steaming cup of coffee and the bag of unopened potato chips still sitting on the coffee table; she had taken off her shoes and was sitting with her legs tucked underneath her. "Looks like you were just making yourself comfortable. Don't let me run you off. I can always just…go to my closet."

"I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. After all, this is your home now, eh...temporarily, I guess. Xander was kind enough to let me hide out here for a while, but I don't want to get in your way. I kind of forgot that you are living here now." Spike raised his eyebrow at the last comment, and Willow shrugged, "sorry, have a lot on my mind lately."

"What are you hiding from?" 

Willow grimaced, "Would you believe from Buffy?"

"What is she up to now?" Spike frowned slightly at the mention of the slayer.

"It's a long story."

"I've got the time." The vampire took off his jacket and sat down. "I've got an eternity."

"I don't really want to talk about it." Willow said softly, avoiding his eyes.

Spike sighed, "Don't be a bloody idiot, Willow. Just spit it out, you know I will wear you down eventually."

"Well, Buffy had sort of decided that I need to find myself a special friend. And since I'm not out looking, she's bringing them home." Willow ducked her head down in embarrassment. 

"And you aren't ready to move on?"

"Do you really need to ask? You were counting days last summer." She reminded him absently.

"That's different. I promised her, and yet, I failed her." He frowned. His voice has taken on a slightly irritated tone. Last summer was not something that he wanted to relive again.

"I feel like I'd failed her, you know?" Willow said softly, "She was such a giving person. I must have been such a disappointment. "

"I didn't know your bird well enough to tell you how she would feel, but you can't bring her back and you indulging in your own self-pity isn't going to help anyone." Spike said impatiently. ~_Why is she talking to me like I am Dear Abby?~_

"I am not indulging in self-pity." The witch said angrily. "Goddess, to think I thought you all of people would understand."

"I don't have time to understand little girls with imagined problems, I have plenty of my own." He snapped back at her.

"That's right, how could I forget, you have a soul now." Willow returned sarcastically, "it must be such a drain on your demon to know all the evil things that you have done are just that, evil."

"Sometimes you can be even more self-absorbed than the slayer."

"Spare me, you think you soul gives you the right to be all judgmental and preachy? Like I couldn't figure out why you wanted one."

"Watch your mouth, little girl. What I choose to do is none of your business."

"Of course not, you can't be pathetic enough to acquire a soul just so that you can impress your mortal enemy. "

"I did it for love. She wouldn't be able to love me otherwise."

"Of course you did. Goddess, Spike, if she had loved you at all, it wouldn't have made a difference. What were you trying to prove? All you ended up doing was losing your identity. Can you honestly say that your soul has made you a better person - vampire? Or do you actually enjoy living through your guilt-trip? Don't you think that if that was all it took for Buffy to love you, then she really doesn't deserve it? When Angel got his soul, it was given to him as a curse, not a blessing, remember that."

"A curse? Was my falling in love with her a curse?" The angry tone was gone. He simply sounded hopeless.

"No, that was just stupidity." Willow was too angry to be tactful.

"You have been taking lessons from the slayer, haven't you? Being beautiful doesn't give you the right to treat other people like shit." 

"I am not treating you…did you just say I'm beautiful?"

"I'm the one without a reflection, witch. You know what you look like." He muttered ungraciously.

Willow shook her head in confusion, "Spike, look, I'm sorry. I know you have a lot of issues to deal with. I didn't mean to criticize what I'm sure was a very difficult decision for you. You just made me angry. I don't regret what I said, just the way I said it."

"Was that supposed to be an apology?"

"In a not very delicate way, I guess."

"Whatever."

"Eh…why are we arguing?" 

"You started it."

Willow stared at him in amazement_. ~ He sounded like an imprudent child. Who started that crack about self-pity? Okay, Rosenberg, grouchily-bigger person here_. ~ "I'm sorry, you are right. I was indulging in self-pity. I just thought you know…you would understand." He raised an eyebrow in question, "Being devoted to those you love." Remembering his century long association with Drusilla and his recent obsession with the slayer, "You do understand, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do." Spike grumbled grouchily. 

"Buffy thinks I'm lonely, but what she doesn't understand is that being alone and being lonely are two different things. " Willow shook her head, and her shoulder length red locks danced under the light. "And it's not like I'm living like a hermit. I don't sit around moping all day long. I still have my friends, schools and everything that is important to me."

"Yeah, at least you have that." 

"I'm sorry. I…" Willow stopped when Spike just stared at her with emotionless eyes. Buffy had told her about his days at the basement, his insanity, his encounter with the cross, and how hard it has been for him to live with his soul. Yeah, he has it much tougher than she does. She had her friends to make her feel wanted, but he has no one. _~ He needs a friend. Maybe someone to confide in, someone who would listen, someone who wouldn't judge him for his actions, but simply try to understand his motivations. ~_ Maybe there is something she could do for him. She swallowed and asked tentatively, "Spike, are we friends?"

"No," came the uncompromising answer.

Willow frowned, she was willing to try but she wasn't about to grovel, "Oh, okay, then um…I think I should go." Willow untucked her legs and jumped off the couch. 

"I don't have friends." He muttered quietly, but Willow caught the wistful intonation in his voice.

"Would you like to have friends?" Willow asked timidly.

Spike didn't answer her question. ~ _Fine, don't want help, then I won't help you._ ~ Willow bit her lip and started to put her shoes back on. She was in the middle tying her shoelace when he muttered a bit ungraciously, "You can stay. It's not like this is my place."

Her hands stilled, the shoelace forgotten. _~ Was that an olive branch? Does he want me to stay ? ~ _Willow turned her weary gaze on him and saw him staring at her uncertainly. The witch decided it was a start. "You don't mind?" She asked carefully.

"No, sometimes it's so bloody quiet in here my head starts to you know…go crazy." He admitted but refused to look at her. He didn't want her pity, but she did always have that calming effect on him, even way in the days when she was just a novice witch. Beside, it was easier to accept her knowing that she too, had failed miserably in suppressing the darkness. She too, had been kicked off the pedestal.

"Oh." Willow kicked off her shoes again and leaned back on the couch, and picked up the remote control, "Okay, Enterprise or Dawson's Creek?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Willow had just finished her homework and was in the middle of packing her stuff away when Dawn came in and quietly closed the door behind her.

"Hey Dawn, what's up?" 

"Just wanted to give you an advance warning so that you can sneak out of here again before Buffy's surprise guest arrives."

"Not again?" Willow moaned.

"Yup, according to Buffy, this girl is so irresistibly hot she can turn straight girls gay." Dawn giggled.

Willow shook her head, "Maybe I should think about moving out."

"No, don't do that. I like having you living here, kind of take the pressure off of me. If you move, then I'll be her only target." Dawn sat down on the bed and bounced on it a couple of times.

Willow gave the teenager an indulgent smile, "I guess I won't be home tonight. Damn, I really need to do some laundry." 

Dawn rolled her eyes, "Where are you going?" 

"Not sure yet, but don't worry, Dawn, I'll think of something. Wanna come hang out with me?" Willow smiled at the teenager, "we can go to a movie or skating?"

"I wish, but I have that history test tomorrow, and Buffy said if I don't get a decent grade on this, I can forget about going to Janice's this weekend." Dawn pouted.

Willow was thoughtful after Dawn left. She and Spike had spent the rest of last night watching TV and talking. They were still talking when Xander came home at two o'clock. A stupefied Xander had insisted on driving her home. Willow had reluctantly said good bye and left still pondering the conversation they had shared. Surprisingly, Spike had told her a lot, from his time in Africa to the first few months in Sunnydale while he was living in the school's basement. He was coherent and did not appear to be suffering from any delusional episodes. Although he did ramble a bit from time to time, there was no signs of insanity. She had honestly enjoyed her time with him. He has a kind of sense of humor that isn't always appreciated by everybody. But underneath all the sarcasm was someone who truly wanted to belong. She slowly walked over and picked up the phone, then put it back down again. She walked away from the phone and then turned around. _~ No one ever said it was going to be easy, but I made a promise to try._ ~ Finally, she marched over and picked up the phone with determination. She hit a number on her speed dial and waited for the phone to ring. 

The phone was picked up on the sixth ring, "Hello."

"Hello, " the voice repeated impatiently when Willow choked, "Spike?"

A brief moment of silence, "Red?"

"Yeah, eh…is Xander there?"

"No." 

One word spoken briskly and Willow's confidence faltered. _~ Damn, it was like last night did not happen. Or he just wished that it didn't. ~ _"Oh. Eh…" She took a deep breath and dove right in, "actually I wanted to speak with you."

Silence. Willow could just imagine his eyebrow shooting up into his head. "Eh…I wanted to see if you want to maybe get together or something."

"What do you want, Red?" He barked.

__

~ Bad idea, Wills. He doesn't even want to talk with you. ~ "I just thought…eh…you know what, just forget it, Spike. I'm sorry I bothered you."  
  
"Red, don't you dare hang up on me." Spike yelled down the line "Are you still there?"

"Yeah."

"Meet me at the corner in fifteen minutes" The line went dead before Willow could formulate a response.

Willow hung up slowly, then smiled and grabbed a jacket out of the closet. 

Spike saw Willow a block away; she was standing by the wall, away from the curb, _smart girl_

She met him half way when she saw him. She stopped a couple of feet away. "Hey."

"Hey." He returned slowly. "Hiding from Buffy again?"

She nodded. "She's starting to get on my nerves."

"So, decided to call on me for help, huh?" 

"You don't have to babysit me, you know." She said, a bit resentfully.

"Not babysitting you, just…wanted company." He admitted reluctantly. "Was wondering if you would call again."

"Really?" She was surprised.

"Yeah. For the first time since I've got my soul back, last night was actually the first night I've gotten a decent night's sleep." He glared at her, daring her to say something uncomplimentary.

"Oh, that's…cool. I mean cool that you wanted my company, and of course, the able to sleep thing is important too."

"You aren't that bad." He shrugged, refusing to look at her. "At least you always wear clean clothes and speak in complete sentences."

"That's comforting to know." Willow smiled at the backhanded compliment. "Wanna go to the movies? My treat."

"No sappy girly stuff." He warned.

"Sure, "

It was after midnight by the time they walked out of the theater. "I swear Red, that's the last time I let you choose the film."

"Oh come on, admit it, you liked it." Willow shoved him playfully. After three hours inside a dark room sharing a bucket of popcorn, he seemed more like a normal guy. 

"Maybe when I was twelve. Harry Potter! I thought you were the intelligent one."

"It was an intelligent movie. I saw you; you had your eyes glued to the screen. You were so totally hooked." 

"Was not."

"Were too."

He gave her a dirty look and changed tactics, "I thought you were going to let me choose the film."

"You took too long which means there wasn't anything you wanted to watch, so I helped you out." She said, grinning.

"That's not true. I was eh…trying to find something that you might like too." He admitted reluctantly.

"Well, I like Harry Potter. Come on, tell me honestly, you liked at least part of it, didn't you?"

Spike pretended to consider her question, finally, "Okay, yeah, I liked the popcorn."

"Spike!" Without thinking, the red head punched him in the arm. When Spike stopped walking and stared at here, all of a sudden, the witch realized what she had done, "I'm sorry." _~ Oh Goddess, what did I do? Did I just punch him? Is he going to kill me now? ~_

Spike frowned at her but didn't say anything. Willow tried again, "I didn't think. I'm sorry. It's one of those annoying things that we human do sometimes. The friendly punching, not the not thinking. Although I kind of do that a lot too."

Spike shrugged and started to walk again, Willow stood there stumped. Then she ran to catch up with him, "are you mad at me?"

"I'm…surprised." He finally admitted.

"Surprised?"

"You are not afraid of me anymore, are you?" The vampire looked at the redhead, puzzled. "You really think… that I'm your friend, don't you?"

"Maybe." She returned, leaving herself room to back track if necessary.

"And I told you I don't have friends."

She sighed and decided to throw caution to the wind, "We all need friends, Spike. Sometimes our own thoughts are just not enough for us. Sometimes our own thoughts are what's driving us…crazy."

"I'm fine on my own. Like the slayer said, I just needed to get out of that basement."

"Maybe," Willow quickened her steps to match his longer stride, "I had fun tonight, Spike. Can you honestly say that you didn't'? Look at me and tell me truthfully that you rather spend the time sitting inside Xander's closet."

"Be careful, Red. Being too trustworthy can cost you your life." 

"I'll take my chances." The red head said softly then smiled at his lack of contradiction.

~~~~~~~~~

"You so did step over the line, cheater!" She playfully slapped him with one of the sleeves of her jacket.

"I did not. You are just a sore loser." He pulled the jacket away from her and growled unconvincingly.

"The last strike did not count," Willow insisted. "And if that strike didn't count, then you wouldn't have bowled that extra frame. SO, in all fairness, I won." Willow put her rental shoes on the counter, waiting for the clerk to bring her back her own shoes.

The clerk smiled at the cute little red head, but the smile quickly disappeared when he caught the blonde guy glaring at him. "Here are your shoes, and that's twenty-one dollars for six games."

"He's paying because he lost even if he refuses to admit to it." Willow jabbed her finger at Spike and smiled at the guy behind the counter.

"I did not lose, but I'll pay for the bloody games because I am too much of a gentleman to argue with cheating little girls." Spike pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill and tossed it onto the counter, then fished inside his pocket for another four quarters.

Willow chuckled as they both put back on their shoes. "Want a rematch?" She pointed toward the arcade. "You choose the game, just not Evil Dead, 'Kay? I'll even spot you the first game."

"You're on, little girl."

~~~~~~~~

"It's hard, you know, especially since she died because of me. She wouldn't even be at the house if it wasn't because of me." Willow walked slowly beside Spike, her voice was soft, and if the vampire did not have exceptional hearing, he would not have been able to hear her.

"She made her choice, you can't blame yourself."

"Can't I?"

"Look, Willow, sometimes as unfair as it may seems, and it's probably my soul speaking, but bad things do happen to good people."

"I wasn't even the same person that she had fallen in love with. I was such a disappointment." Willow sighed and looked up at the night sky, "Sometimes I wondered if she's up there, somewhere, asking herself why she had ever gotten involved with me. The Willow that she fell in love was someone who always tried to do the right thing, but the person I turned into was someone who only did things for herself."

"You know that's not true, Will." Spike said, took a last drag of his cigarette before dropping it and grinding it out with his boot. "When Buffy died, you were forced to grow up. Everyone depended on you that summer, we all encouraged you to use your power. None of us took the time to see what was really happening to you; none of us asked if you needed help. Power is addictive, Will. Why do you think the slayer is the slayer? Without the power given to a slayer, Buffy would just be another girl. She is special because of her power, and I bet that's how you felt. With all the power in you, you had to become different, Red. It's the law of nature."

"I've made so many wrong decisions last year. I couldn't handle that power, yet I wanted more. I don't know why I had that need to…that…" she stopped and took a deep breath, "I wanted to think I was in control, but I wasn't."

"You were still just a child, Red. You had more power than you could handle and no one to guide you. There are no watchers for witches." He shook his head sadly, "who knows? Things might have been different if the watcher had stayed."

"Maybe, but then again, maybe not, we'll never know. When I brought back Buffy, I thought I was invincible. I thought nothing could touch me, and instead of treating it with respect, I totally abused it. I destroyed the trust that everyone had of me. Even our love, Tara and I, wasn't enough to stop me."

"You needed help. No one offered you any." 

"No, Buffy helped." At his raised eyebrow, she continued desperately, "She did. She forgave me even when I've gotten Dawn into trouble, and…"

"She had too many problems of her own, Red. She couldn't help even if she wanted to. She was struggling just to keep her own sanity; she couldn't handle your problems too, Red. She might have forgiven you, but she was helpless. Instead of finding someone who really understood and could have helped you, she pretended that everything was all right. As long as you looked okay on the surface, then everything was fine."

"No, she did try to help me, she made me pack up all my magic stuff and…"

"Pushing them out of sight doesn't push it out of your system. Willow, you brought back the dead. That's huge for anybody, especially one so young and so new to magic. The cockiness, the addiction, that's just to be expected. You needed someone with real experience to guide you. There wasn't anyone."

"It doesn't matter. I was the one who screwed up. I made such a mess of everything. I still can't believe I was capable of so much anger and hatred. The demon within, is that within everybody or does it just reside in me?"

Spike smiled and put his arm around her shoulders, and it was the most natural thing for her to simply lean against him and put her head on his shoulder. "Everyone has it, but not everyone is powerful enough to bring down the whole world." 

~~~~~~~~~~`

"I am not strapping into that." 

"Come on, Spike. It will be fun." Willow grinned as the attendant pulled on her strap to make sure that it is securely clasped around the red head.

"Red, I told you I don't want to climb any bloody walls." Spike glared at the attendant who was just standing holding onto the harness waiting to help the blond with it.

"It's my night, remember. I went to that Rolling Stones' concert with you last night, and we agreed that I get to pick what we do tonight." Willow reminded him, indicating the indoor rock climbing stadium that they were standing on.

"But that was the Rolling Stones! How can you compare a legend to this?" He pointed to the forty-foot vertical wall.

"Exactly, like I actually wanted to watch my grandfather dancing around on stage all dressed in leather." Willow pretended to shudder, "this will actually be fun." She smirked and fastened the harness onto the blond. "Race ya."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why didn't you ever do it?"

"Do what?"

"Curse me with the soul. You did it to Angelus; you could have easily done it to me. "

"Right, why didn't I curse all vampires with a soul?" Willow laughed softly, pushing her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "There is a reason for everything, Spike. There is a reason why vampires don't have souls. It's call survival. I know what I am about to say contradicts what I do." The red head sighed, "I know what I am looking at, how I should think as a human, but it's different for a vampire. There is a difference between fighting for your life and fighting to end something simply because you do not believe in it. It's almost like people going to war over religious issues. I am Jewish, but I can respect and even celebrate Christmas as long as I don't forget my Jewish heritage. I don't have to change myself in order to appreciate other things."

"I thought I was doing the right thing, you know. You were right, I thought I was making this huge sacrifice for love. I really thought that she did love me, that she wouldn't admit it because I didn't have a soul. It hurts to think that she really didn't care."

"I am sorry, and I'm sure she did care, just not in the way that you want."

"So, I trekked all the way to Africa for nothing? So that I could end up like this. I don't even know what I am anymore, Willow."

Willow sighed, "Life is ironic, isn't it? All my life I tried to be good and you tried to be evil, but we both ended up doing something totally out of character because of…love?" She shook her head and continued, "yet you went in search of a soul while I just gave mine away out of a moment of anger."

"You were hurting, Red."

"So were you, but you found something positive within your pain, and I…what happened to me, Spike?"

"I did it for purely selfish reasons. I just wanted to give her a reason to love me. She kept telling how she couldn't possibly because I was a soulless demon, so I figured I would make this huge sacrifice for love." He shook his head and sighed, "you loved Tara so much that you let yourself became lost in grief, there's a huge difference. I did it hoping that it would get me something in return, you did it trying to avenge your love. You had nothing to gain."

"It wasn't that simple, Spike. I like having that power. Tara's death only gave me a reason to exercise it. The hurting was an excuse, I understand that now. I'd like to think that after my time with the witches, I've learned the difference between power and abuse, between connection and addiction, but we'll see."

"You are going to be okay, Willow." 

Willow smiled under the moonlight, "You never really told me how does the soul make you feel? I know it must have been extremely difficult."

"It was voices running rampant through my head, nothing made sense. It was bad enough during those early days when I was meandering through Africa, but it was ten times worse once I got back to Sunnydale. At first it was just brief remembrance, and flashbacks, but then it came in techni-colors and full digital sounds, the screams that I used to love to hear? It was like they were ripping my head apart." He sighed. "It was everywhere, day and night, it just wouldn't stop."

"The Hellmouth does that to you, it just amplifies everything. I'm glad you moved out of the school's basement."

"Some, it's still hard to deal, but things are less convoluted since you…." Spike stopped, took a final drag on his cigarette and tossed it to the ground. He stared at the red head walking beside him. "Why are you here? Why are you here listening to me?"

"Because I understand that we are all different. Humans live by a set of values that is different from vampires. The laws of nature? Humans by nature are different than vampires."

"So vampires by nature are violent and ruthless?"

"Yeah. The soul, it's a funny thing, you know. It's suppose to make us think about what is right or wrong? But the rights and wrongs are governed by the way we live, our upbringing, our environment. A kid from Sunnydale has different understanding of what is right or wrong from say a kid from Indonesia. Vampires kill human for food, Humans raise and kill animals for food. Do these animals have no feelings? Do they not feel the pain? Where do we draw the line? We are all different, Spike. I can't judge you. "

"You are either incredibly forgiving or incredibly naïve. I can't figure out which."

"All I can say is that if your soul tempers your violent tendencies, then I'm glad it does at least that much for you. I'm just sorry that it also brings you so much pain."

"How can I make it go away?"

"You can't, not really. Sort of like what I did, I can't make it go away, but I'm learning that I'm not perfect. I feel the anger, the darkness, it's inside of me, but it doesn't have to be me. I just need to learn to control that darkness within."

"But the darkness, the need for violence, that is me. Like you said, it is the natural progression for a vampire. We craved the violence, the blood, and the thrill of hunting and killing. That's what we were born to do."

"Yes, it is. Your soul is not going to make that need go away. But maybe it can help you understand the consequences and help you control the need for violence. It is unnatural for a vampire to have a soul, just as we won't be human without one. But, even humans with souls do evil things; you are looking at a perfect example. Life is strange, you know? Why do we build weapons just so that we can blow each other up? Why do we create viruses as a weapon to wipe out an entire nation? That is the kind of atrocity that we have knowingly committed since the beginning of time. And somehow, we managed to forgive and even justify our actions. And do you how we justify it? We tell ourselves it's the only way to survive. If we look at it that way, aren't human just as, if not more so violent than vampires?"

Spike was thoughtful, "How do I make the memory go away?"

"You can't, but it's kind of like everything else in life. Learn from your mistakes, maybe it will help you to become stronger, inside."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are you doing, Wills?" 

"What do you mean, Xan?" 

"You have been going out with Spike every night for the last week. What is going on?"

"Nothing. I'm trying to stay away from Buffy, and he's trying not to get in your way. We are both alone, so…we are just hanging out together, that's all."

"I know I let him stay here, but I don't want you dating him."

"We are not dating." Willow insisted, her face flushed. "Have you forgotten that he is in love with Buffy and I am gay?"

"Have you?"

"Xander!" The witch sighed, "it's not like that. It started with me wanting to help him re-adjust, you know, because of his insanity and soul and all, but it turns out…he's helping me too. I'm beginning to realize that maybe we are each other's salvation. As strange as that may seems, we understand what the other is going through. I don't judge him, and he doesn't judge me. I don't expect anything from him, and he doesn't expect anything from me. I'm actually happy about myself." Willow sighed again, "I'm beginning to understand I'm not a failure. Yes, I failed on many levels, important levels, but I'm not a failure as a human being. And you know I'm learning the most important lesson of all, being true to myself. I've spent my entire life trying to be what other people wanted me to be, and that's why it was so easy for me to ended up losing myself. He…encourages me to just be me. He's makes me realize that I could never live up to everybody else expectation, I just have to be myself."

"Spike helped you understand all that?" Xander asked in disbelief, "we are talking about the same Spike, right? Insane vampire?"

"He's not insane, not anymore." Willow sighed and tried to explain. "He doesn't lecture me, but…it's the way he talks to me, you know?"

"No, I don't know, and I don't trust him."

"He's looking for acceptance, just as I am. But when I realize that I have accepted him the way he is, with all his faults and baggage even while nobody else has, it makes me realize that I need to look no further. I am the only one who has to accept myself."

"That was a low blow, Wills." Xander complained, "I'm glad that Spike has that kind of influence on you, but I just don't want to see you get hurt. He might have a soul, but he is still violent and uncontrollable. I just don't want you to let down your guard just because you think he's harmless now that he has a soul."

"Let me tell you something, Xander. His soul never really changed him. He might have some regrets and he understands the ramifications of his actions, but he is still the same vampire that he was before the soul."

"Then why?"

"Because I have changed, not him. I used to be so afraid of him, but now…now I understand so much more now than I did a year ago. I understand what motivates a person to do things, whether it is good or bad. I see a lot of good in him, things that I didn't bother to look for before…because I always thought of him as a vampire and therefore, evil. But I have that in me too, and you guys love me regardless, and maybe all he needs is for someone to help him see it for himself."

~~~~~~~~~

"Are you crazy?" Spike stared over the bridge and yelled.

"I've always wanted to do this." Willow smiled as the attendant fastened the leg harness around her ankles. 

"What? You have always had a death wish?"

Willow gave him an impatient look, "Bungee jumping is an activity that everyone should experience. And it is perfectly safe unless you do something stupid."

"I thought I was the one who was crazy. You are actually paying to jump off a bridge?"

"Come on, Spike. Haven't you ever wanted to see what it feels like to just free fall off a few stories? Have the freedom to just let go? Feel the wind in your hair and your heart pounding in excitement. Well, maybe not the last part."

"But all this does it to bind your legs together. What if you fall out of the harness? And how in bloody hell are you going to get back up here?"

"Sir, she is not going to fall out." One of the attendant said, showing him the climbing sit harness that was already fastened on the red head, "this is the backup harness, and of course, it's what we will be using to pull her back up later."

"Why can't we get a full body harness?" Spike demanded.

"Because the body harness does not give you the ground rush that this does. Just imagine, Spike, we'll be like flying." Willow explained and smiled at the attendant who was checking on her equipment.

"Stop touching her." Spike shoved the attendant away as he was trying to check on the sit harness currently secured around the red head.

"Spike!"

"He was…"  
  
"He was not. He was doing his job, get your mind out of the gutter." Willow lowered her voice and avoided the all too knowing eyes of the two young male attendants

"You are all set, Miss. We'll help you up on the railing if you are ready. Just hold on to our fists and jump whenever you are ready. " The attendant ,named Jack turned to the blond vampire, "Sir, please don't kill us, but it is our job to help her on to the railing." At the look of annoyance form the blond, Jack couldn't help but added, "and Rick here is gay, so you don't have to worry about him."

Willow giggled, "do we need to get someone else to harness you in?"

"Shut up, Red." Spike gave the attendant a wary look as the youth just winked at him. Spike was tempted to show him his fangs, but didn't want to deal the little red head's anger. "Let's just get this over and done with so we can get the hell out of here."

Thirty minutes later, the two walked out with Willow laughing and Spike cussing and ranting. 

"It wasn't their fault, you were supposed to make sure that you were facing along the line of the cord so that you don't get toss around. "

"Why was it that they managed to pull you back upright and I got pulled hanging upside down?" Spike continued to scowl. 

"Because you didn't listen to instructions!" Willow shook her head. "You were supposed to use your climbing sit harness to get back into an upright position instead of yelling and cussing at everybody."

"For a timid little witch, you sure aren't afraid of much, are you?"

Willow shrugged, "No, there is nothing to be afraid of, I have a safety cord. Falling is just part of the game."

Spike was silent for a long moment, "so, you are not afraid of falling?"

__

~ Why do I get the feeling that we are no longer talking about bungee jumping? ~ "We are all going to fall sometimes, learning to climb back up is what life is all about."

~~~~~~~~~

"Wait, you aren't staying for Thanksgiving dinner?" Buffy asked incredulously, "but I've invited…I mean I've planned the dinner menu with you in mind."

"I'm sorry, Buffy. But I have made other plans." Willow said apologetically.

"What plans? It's Thanksgiving! You are supposed to stay home and give thanks."

"I'm still thankful. I'm just gonna be thankful elsewhere, that's all."

"Okay, what is going on?" 

"Nothing." 

"You have been out every night for the last two weeks. Just exactly where have you been?" The blonde frowned worriedly, "you are not doing spells, are you?"

"Getting a littler maternal on me, aren't you?" Willow teased.

"Willow!"

"No, Buffy, I haven't been doing any spells. I've simply been hanging out, with a friend." Willow shrugged.

"Friend?" Buffy's interest was definitely peaked. "What kind of friend? Have I met her before?"

Willow sighed, "Actually it's a him, and before you started getting any ideas, he is just a friend." 

The slayer's eyebrows disappeared beneath her bangs, "him? But…well, I guess that's okay as long as you know what you are doing. You do know what you are doing, right?" Willow just smiled mysteriously, "Um…just who is this male friend? Have I ever met him before?"

"Eh… I'm sure you have seen him around. I don't think you really like him, so I probably shouldn't tell you." Willow looked at her watch. "Sorry, but I've got to go. See you later."

The slayer's hand shot out and grabbed Willow's. She quickly let it go when the red head groaned in pain. "Sorry, Wills. Forgot the slayer's strength. Eh…why don't you invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner?"

"Turkey really isn't his thing. He's eh…on a really straight diet."

"Hey, I can be accommodating. What does he like?" Buffy smiled. 

"Eh…it's really not the right time, Buffy. We're still in a very early stage of a…tentative friendship. I'm not ready to bring him home to see Mom yet." Willow grinned at the look of dismay of the blonde's face.

"MOM?"

~~~~~~

"You should have seen her face when I told her my friend was a him. And then when I called her "Mom", that was classic." Willow giggled as she pulled the bag of popcorn out of the microwave and emptied it into the large bowl that Spike handed her. Tonight they were staying in to watch videos at Xander's since he was going out. "Maybe now she'll leave me alone."

Spike pretended to pout, "Are you using me to get her off your back? Damn, I feel so…used. My girlfriend uses me to get rid of her mother."

"Yup, me, little old me, a user." Willow said, fringing a look a conspiracy, "Come on, boyfriend, I got the special edition of Lord of the Rings."

"Again?" Spike groaned, "fine, but if you make one more comment about that wanker, I swear I'll toss your DVD down the garbage disposal."

"Who? Legolas, but he's so…" a large hand covered her mouth, effectively ending whatever it was that the red head was going to say.

~~~~~~~~

"Are you going to be home on Christmas Eve?" The slayer said wearily, already anticipating the answer. "Anya and Xander are coming over and we'll be opening gifts and stuff as soon as the clock strikes midnight."

"Sorry, Buffy, but I promise I'll stay and have dinner before I leave." Willow said while folding her laundry and putting them away.

"When do we get to meet your mysterious boyfriend?"

"He's just a friend, Buffy." Willow shrugged. "I'm gay, not interested in guys anymore."

"Are you?"

"Buffy!"

"All I am trying to do is to point out that sexuality can sometimes be complicated. You weren't interested in girls when you were in high school. So why is it so wrong for you to be interested in a guy?"

"I am different. I have changed. He is just a friend."

"A friend, is he straight?" The slayer demanded.

"As far as I know, but he is very much in love with someone else, so don't even go there."

"So why isn't he spending time with this girl?" Buffy asked, obviously puzzled.

"She…I don't think she is in love with him. Which incidentally really is her loss."

"So, what makes you think he isn't looking for a replacement? He's been dumped, feeling hurt, here comes loving Willow, who is all understanding and compassionate and not bad to look at, why not?"

"He's the faithful type, Buffy. We are friends, nothing more, nothing less."

"Faithful? Come on, Wills, men do not understand the meaning of the word." 

"He's different, Buffy. He's a one-woman kind of guy. He loves with his entire being. When he is in love, no one else exist."

"Really? Wish I had met someone like that."

Willow bit her lower lip without answering.

"Are you helping him to get her back?"

"No, to be honest, I don't think they are good for each other. I don't want to see him hurt again, and he will be if they ever get back together."

"Willow, are you jealous?"

"For the last time, we are friends."

"Sure, a friend that you have been seeing almost every night for the last two months, a friend that you are way too protective about. I am not buying it."

"And I'm not selling you anything. Look, we like to do the same things. We like to simply hang out together, that's all."

"Just what do you guys do?"

"What don't we do?" She blushed when the slayer raised her eyebrows at her, "nothing like that. It's straightly platonic. We've done different things all the time, from swinging in the park to bungee jumping; we've seen everything from "Eight Mile" to "Casablanca". He even went with me to visit Tara a couple of times. Sometimes we just walk around and talk. He's just my friend, you know."

"He sounds like a special friend."

"He is. He listens to me when I am frustrated, encourages me when I am feeling insecure." Her voice had taken on a whimsical note without her even realizing it. "But most of all, he understands failures. He understands imperfections; he doesn't expect me to be perfect. I feel like I am more of real person when I am around him, does that even make sense?"

Willow might have missed the mellowness of her own voice, but Buffy didn't. "Willow, did you just hear yourself? You can continue to deny it, but he is your SPECIAL friend."

"What?" 

"He sounds like someone who has replaced Tara in your heart." Buffy said gently, like she was explaining a complicated problem to a child.

"Don't be ridiculous, Buffy. We are just friends."

"Rather you admit to it or not, he isn't just your friend. You can lie to yourself, Will, but you are embarking on another relationship." 

~~~~~~~~~

"Why are we here if you don't even like that Picasso chap?" Spike followed the red head down the corridor, totally bored. He didn't understand Picasso half a century ago, and he still doesn't understand it today.

"Just because I don't like his work doesn't mean I can't appreciate his talents."

"Talent? You actually think that freak has talent?"

"Shh…" Willow gave the guard standing at the doorway an embarrassed smile. "You're gonna get us kicked out of here."

"And that's bad because?"

"Spike!" Willow hit him with her notebook, "look, I have to go through this entire exhibit for my modern art class. If you are so bored, you can leave or go wait for me in the cafeteria."

"I didn't say I was bored. I just don't understand why a piece of junk like this is worth millions of dollars." He jabbed his index finger at one of the paintings on the wall, "where is the beauty? What is he trying to tell other than to show the world that he is a freaking moron? Give me one good reason why people would consider this art? And don't give me any of the subjective crap."

"Honestly? I don't know, but maybe that's what I need to do, open up my eyes and find something worthwhile in this."

"How can you find anything worthwhile in this crap?"

"Just because I don't understand or don't agree doesn't mean that there isn't anything worthwhile." Willow pushed her hair back behind her ears. "He's presenting these paintings from different viewpoints. Maybe the problem is simply that I don't understand and has nothing to do with his depiction. I have to be the one to keep the picture moving in order for me to appreciate it. If I refuse to expand my mind and listen to what he has to say through his paintbrush, I will never understand. Art is like people; it's multi-dimensional. Sometimes you have to really look inside to see what the artist is trying to tell you. Just because it looks a mess on the outside, you can surprise yourself by finding something…some beauty within if only you take the time to search for it."

Spike was silent for so long that Willow thought she had bored him to sleep, "Spike?"

"You really do, don't you?"

"Do what?"

"Look inside." He stared at her so intensively that Willow realized he was no longer talking about the paintings.

"I guess I do." She said thoughtfully, "you know what? I think his biggest accomplishment was his ability to make people see things differently, to make people willing to accept even when they didn't understand something. Maybe what we really need to do is to break down all elements and look at each individual component carefully in order to understand why it was put together that way. Kind of search within the inner soul."

"What if what you find within is even more disappointing than the outside?" He asked quietly.

"That hasn't happened yet, and even when it does, then I would just have to look again." She answered just as quietly.

~~~~~~~~~~

"It was not an accident. You are just sore that I kicked his ass without any help from you." Willow said indignantly.

Spike laughed, "you fell and managed to kick him on your way down. I can't believe you got so bloody lucky."

"I wasn't falling. I…I just made it look that way to get him off guard." The red head insisted.

It was Christmas Eve and Willow had finally left the Summer's house after a lot of complaints from both Buffy and Dawn before meeting up with the blond vampire. The two had stopped at a coffee shop for hot coffee and apple pies. Willow had pulled out a brightly wrapped rectangular box and handed it to Spike. But the big surprise came when the vampire gave her a gift wrapped in a brown grocery bag and tied with a bright green ribbon.

Willow unwrapped her present and laughed; it was a book on the life and work of Picasso. Spike shrugged and smiled sheepishly, "maybe it will help you with your class."

Willow smiled and thank him, and urged him to open his gift. Spike hesitated, then unwrapped the box carefully. He looked inside the box and then back at her in surprise. Willow smiled, "I…eh…we are all walking around with them. If you ever get into trouble, you can call one of us. I…eh…programmed all our numbers in there." 

Spike was silent for a long while before looking back up at her and smiled, "thank you, Willow."

The two came out of the coffee shop and were walking through the dark streets of Sunnydale once again when Spike alerted her to a group of vampires stalking a young couple. The couple obviously had too much to drink and led the vampires into a dead end. Willow and Spike quickly followed and managed to stake the four vampires before they did more than frightened the other two.

Six years of patrolling with the slayer had taught Willow a few things, even though she seldom has a chance to use them with Buffy around. But tonight all that came to her without too much effort, she managed to stake the first vampire without breaking a sweat. Unfortunately the other one was much stronger. He had backhanded her and sent her crashing backwards. Remembering the falling techniques that she had learned, she slapped down on her forearms to avoid hurting herself, and her legs automatically kicked up, catching the vampire squarely on the jaw. The vampire flew across the alley and was stunned into immobility, giving the red head the perfect opportunity to quickly jump back up and staked him. 

Spike had turned around just in time to see the red head falling. He made a mad dash toward the two, but by then Willow had already kicked the other vampire to the ground. He watched in amusement as the red head staked the vampire with a satisfied smile on her face.

"Yeah, you were just pretending." He said and dropped quickly to the ground, kicking her legs from underneath her. 

Unfortunately this time Willow fell side way and went crashing toward the crates. Spike saw his mistake and tried to save her by grabbing on to the tail of her shirt. Willow used his momentum to pull him down with her. She rolled as soon as she felt something solid beneath her and was standing back up and smirking at the vampire that had crashed through the hollow wooden crate and now sat on the ground gazing up at the witch, stunned.

"Just like I didn't fool you." The red head stood with her hands on her hips, a challenging look in those green eyes.

"Again, luck!"

"Admit it, Spike, I'm not the helpless little girl that you thought I was, and it's killing you to know that I can knock you down." Willow taunted.

"You didn't knock me down; I fell because…you tricked me." Spike finally stood up. If Willow didn't know better, she would say that he was embarrassed.

"Are you really that gullible?" The witch tilted her head to side, her shoulder length red locks falling over one shoulder. 

"Gullible?" Spike stalked toward the red head as Willow couldn't help but started to walk backwards. She took about half a dozen steps and hit the wall. Spike stopped about five feet away and smirked at the young witch. She wasn't exactly afraid, but she did project at least a little bit of fear. He was still deciding on what to do to scare her when Willow decided to take the offensive. She took one step forward, jumped and tackled him to the ground. 

Once again, Spike found himself lying on the ground, this time with the witch lying on top of him. Whatever he was about to say or do completely forgotten as he stared at those sparkling green eyes so close to his own. Without even realizing what he was doing, one hand went and grabbed her hair, "Willow," it came out as a throaty whisper.

Willow stared back at him in confusion, her heartbeat quickened, "Spike." 

Spike could feel it, she wasn't scared earlier, but she definitely is now. His hand tightened in her hair as he tired to bring her in closer. He grinned as her head dipped forward without resistance. The shrill ringing of her cell phone snapped her out of her trance as she frantically pushed away from him. 

Willow managed to put a few feet in between them but stayed down on the ground. She looked away form him, gulped noticeably before pulling out her cell phone which was clipped onto the waistband of her jeans. "he..Hello"

"Merry Christmas, Willow!" Dawn's cheerful sound came through the line.

"Dawn? Is everything okay?' Willow asked, worried. 

"No silly, it's 12:01; I just wanted to be the first to say 'Merry Christmas' to you and to thank you for my boots. They are totally awesome." Dawn giggled. "Where are you? Are you going to come home soon? I want to see what Buffy got you."

Willow frowned; she had trouble concentrating on her conversation with Dawn. "Eh…I'm…"

"Willow, are you okay, I can't hear you."

Willow silently thanked the Goddess for providing her with an excuse, "Dawn, the connection isn't all that clear. I'll talk to you when I get home. Bye." She disconnected the line without waiting for a reply. She turned back to see Spike leaning against the wall with a cigarette in his mouth. "Dawn?"

Willow nodded but didn't trust her voice to actually say anything out loud. Spike took another drag of his cigarette and said in a normal voice, "she always did spend way too much time on the phone."

__

~ That's it? What the hell just happened? Maybe it was just my imagination? Maybe I'm making too much out of nothing? I thought…no…he wasn't…I just… ~

"What does she want?" Again, that voice was calm and totally lacking in emotion.

" She wanted to know when I'm going home. It's getting late. I really should get going.."

Spike nodded and started to walk with her toward the Summer's house. The trip was accomplished in an uncomfortable silence. As is his usual practice, he stopped at the corner and watched her walk the rest of the way home. "Merry Christmas, Spike." She whispered before leaving him behind.

"Merry Christmas, Willow." He returned just as softly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Willow glanced at her companion and frowned slightly. Spike has been acting weird all night. She hasn't seen him this moody since that first night at Xander's when they had reached out to each other and she had tentatively offered him her friendship. The weirdness started ever since Christmas Eve almost a week ago. He had avoided her on Christmas day and the day after. He finally called her two days later and Willow was happy again. But that feeling of easy companionship was gone, instead it felt like they were both watching their steps, being extra careful what they were saying. They had avoided being alone and had instead stuck with places with large crowds. Their conversations were limited to impersonal topics. 

For the first time in a week, tonight she had once again met him at the corner and the two had just been aimlessly wandering around Sunnydale. She has suggested several activities which had all been shot down by him. Instead he has been chain smoking the whole time. Willow stared at his solemn profile for a moment, then cleared her throat. "Is everything okay?"

"What could possibly be wrong?"

"You…is something bothering you?" He stared at her moodily without answering, prompting her to ask nervously, "is it me?"

He stopped walking and challenged, "What if it is?"

"What?" 

"What if my problem really is you?" He asked angrily.

"Me?" She stared at him, wide-eyed and confused.

"Do you ever think about it?"

Willow shook her head in confusion, "Think about what?"

"This." Spike pulled out another cigarette and lit it under the moonlight.

Willow frowned, still not understanding, "Sunnydale?"

"No, us, you, me." Spike ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "just what kind of relationship are we in, Red?"

Willow ducked her head, puzzled. "I…I thought we were friends."

"What kind of friends?" Spike demanded his voice low and angry.

"I don't understand what you are getting at, Spike." Willow bit her lip; her confusion was mirrored in her green eyes. "We are simply two people who are looking for an uncomplicated friendship. Isn't it?"

"Then why do I feel all possessive about you? Why do I get jealous when some other guy touches you?" He questioned softly, staring into the distance as he blew out a chain of smoke. "Why do I feel the need to see you all the time? Why do I try so hard to make you see me as someone worthwhile?"

Willow stared at the soft tendrils of smoke disappearing into the night, not really sure if he was asking her or himself. "I…you…we…you can't…"

"Can't I?" He turned to face her. His blue eyes looking directly into hers.

"Why are you trying to confuse me?" She asked helplessly.

"Maybe because I want more. As much as I love this…friendship…I still want more."

"I am not the one you want."

"How do you know?"

"You can't…think about me in that way because you couldn't possibly be over Buffy. When you fall in love, you fall for an eternity. " Willow argued. "That's what makes you so special."

"She will never love me. Once I have accepted that, it was amazingly easy to let go. And you, you are amazing, do you know that?" 

"No, I don't know. 

" With Buffy, we just kept falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole, with you, I can feel the sun light. I can feel joy and as crazy as it might sound, life."

Willow just shook her head helplessly from side to side.

"Tell me honestly, have you never thought about us?" 

"You are my friend."

"You have other friends."

"But you are…you and I…we share the same problems. We are both trying to find ourselves; we are helping each other. That what makes this friendship so special…because we don't have that complicated feelings for each other…you are…and I …can't…I can't."

"My feelings are not complicated at all, Willow. I know what I feel. I see it with perfect clarity." He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "When I see you, I find myself believing in the future."

"I…I have to go home." She backed away from him, his hand dropping from her ear.

"Willow--" He made a grab for her hand, but she quickly shrugs it off. He watched as she took off in a mad dash away from him.

~~~~~~~~~~`

"I don't understand why he is acting like this, Xan." Willow ran both hands up her face all the way through her hair. "He's…what does he want?"

"He told you, Wills."

"How can he do this to me?" Willow asked angrily, pacing back and forth. "How dare he ruin our friendship like this? This feeling isn't even real. He's just…grateful because I was there for him when no one else was."

"Willow, I live with the dead guy, remember?" 

"He lives in your closet." 

"It's a spacious closet. If he has to do anything not meant for public viewing, well, I don't have to have a front row seat."

"Xander!"

Xander shrugged, "Not saying that he does, just don't want to know about it. The point is he has been much easier to live with since you two started dat… hanging out together. I wasn't joking when I told you I don't want to see you two dating. But I think in his mind, you are his girl. Don't you even feel the difference in him, Will?"

"Xander, I am gay. He knew that. That's why it never…bothered me when he gets a little possessive. I just thought he was being protective."

"So you have no interest in the blonde freak whatsoever?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. How many times do I have to tell you that I am gay?"  
  
"How many times do you have to tell yourself?"

"That's not fair, Xander. And I don't appreciate your implication. It's insulting to my relationship with Tara."

"Wills, you loved Tara, I never doubted that. But you are more complicated than that, Wills. Admit it, you find both men and women attractive. "

"I do not!"

"What are you afraid of, Wills? That people will think you are flaky just because your love has no boundaries? Willow, you were in love with a wolf and then a witch, and if you and Spike…I can't believe I'm saying it, but there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a bad person, Wills."

"Doesn't it? Can a person really be that indiscriminating? Am I really that desperate? Do I just fall in love with anyone who's willing to pay me a little attention?" The self-loathing was evident.

"Wills, you know it has nothing to do with that. Would you think any less of me if I tell you I am bisexual?"  
  
"Of course not."

"Then why do you feel that way about yourself?"  
  
"Because…because it's me we are talking about." She sighed in frustration. 

"Willow, everybody is different, some spend their entire life denying who they really are. You don't have to do that. You are Willow, you will always be my best friend, and it doesn't matter whether you are straight, gay or bisexual. You will always be that girl who is smarter than ninety percent of the population, loyal to the point of stupidity, and loves with her entire heart and soul. "

Willow sighed when her best friend continues to grin at her, "am I really so complicated, Xan?"

"A little more than most."

"I don't want to be."

"So, what are you going to do now?"

"Can't I just do nothing? If he can get over Buffy, surely he can get over me, right?" 

"Willow, the thing about having a roommate, you see the change in that person. And as much as we tried to avoid each other, sometimes we do talk. We don't share secrets or anything, but let's just say, I have had my hunch about you and him for a while. I don't think you need to worry about his feelings for Buffy. Besides, if you were honest with yourself, you would admit that you don't want him to get over you."

"I don't want to love him, Xan. Have you any idea how complicated loving him is going to be?"

"Believe me, Wills, I don't want you to either, but you are. I've been watching whenever you are with him, Wills. You are different, happier. That's all I ever wanted for you. Besides, Spike is not going to give up. " Xander smiled. "So for the sake of my sanity, give the guy a chance."

"Why are you so understanding all of a sudden?" Willow frowned. "You hated it when you found out about him with Buffy."

"Buffy is a slayer. She can never forgets that he is a vampire. I know I'm screwing up my relationships, but even I can see that a relationship doesn't last if it is fundamentally wrong. A vampire and a slayer are destined to be enemies. One kills the others, that's why there is a slayer, her entire existence is to kill vampires. How can you build a relationship when there is no foundation? You, on the other hand, is a witch, you fight for the side that you believe in, you think outside of the box, you are not restricted to just one side."

"So I can be evil if I want?"

"No, just that you are able to see things in shades, nothing is ever just black or white to you. Instead of colors, you see things in values, and that's how you see people or demons. I can say it, but I can't do it, and neither can Buffy." 

"So what should I do?"

"The third commandment of friendship, "Thou shall not judge". I don't like it, but I'm going to be your best friend first this time and advise you to just follow your heart."

"Goddess, Buffy is gonna have a cow."

~~~~~~~~`

Willow slowly made her way across the cemetery; the late afternoon sun does little to ward off the chill as she shivered slightly. She wrapped her arms around herself and continued to walk, deep in her own thoughts. Finally, she stopped in front of the familiar headstone. She kneeled down, set the white carnations besides the grave, pulled out a couple weeds and tossed them to one side before sitting back on her heels. 

"Hey, Tara, sorry I haven't been here in the last week." She ran a hand over the name on the headstone, "I have so much to tell you." She pushed her hair back behind her ears; "I don't even know where to start."

Willow felt her eyes started to water, "I really did love you, you know? And if things were different, you and I would be together forever, but…life is so unpredictable, you know? Now you are gone and I…please don't hate me, Tara, but I can't help myself. " 

Tears started to run down her face unchecked, "I stayed up all night last night thinking that if things were different, we would be bringing in the new year together. We would have sat together and made plans and promises and…but…Goddess, Tara, I miss you so much, but I'm in love with him and it's killing me not knowing what I should do." 

Willow was still talking slowly almost two hours later when a she felt someone sat down beside her. The sun had gone down an hour and a half ago, but she hasn't even noticed. She has been too engulfed in telling Tara what had happened in the last two months. Everything that she hasn't been able to tell anybody, had tumbled out. It was weird, telling her dead lover how she has fallen in love again, but somehow it was important for her to confess all to Tara before she takes her next step. She turned her head and saw Spike by her side, giving her a comforting smile.

Spike has found her over an hour ago but had stayed in the shadow just watching over her. He had heard her confession to Tara, the regrets, the apologies, but most importantly he had heard her telling Tara about him. How much he meant to her, how much happier she has been ever since, how he had taken ownership over her heart. She had haltingly told Tara that even though part of her heart will always belong to the witch, the rest of it has been stolen by the vampire. Willow had apologized profusely but had also admitted to Tara that he is the one. 

Now her wide green eyes are gazing up at him with hope, he returned her smile and made a promise to her past love, "don't worry Tara, she is my heart just as much as she was yours. I will always take care of her."

End


End file.
